Recently I was driving home from work and I was freaking out.
When I left the building, I thought I was in a good mood. But about five minutes into the drive I was on the verge of tears and it just got worse from there.
By the time I got home, I was raging quietly about all the injustices in the world, but specifically the injustices of my work pertaining only to me personally. Who cared about anyone else’s serious, real life issues. My coworker is an ass. What an injustice!
Anyway. It happened to be my husband birthday, so we went to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner. I was in a mood the whole time and I almost cried over my Pizza Rockefeller.
When we got home, I went straight to bed at like 8:15, and I felt like every day for the rest of my life, I would be bothered by this injustice! I forced myself to read a book to take my mind off things. (Luckily, my birthday is the day before my husband’s, and we did a collaborative celebration earlier in the week… plus we aren’t big birthday people. Ok moving on, I just needed an excuse for being a total jerk on my husband’s birthday.)
Next thing I know it’s 4 am and I’m awake. Like more awake then an insomniac on a stimulant. There is no way I’m going back to sleep.
And all of a sudden I start thinking about the people at work who are not asses. The ones who are dearly my friends. The ones I truly appreciate.
And ya know what? I was equally emotional about the good parts of work as I was about the injustices. I was on the verge of joyful tears and I even shed a few.
Seriously, I’m a nut job.
But not all the time.
And that’s what I’m getting at.
Why the Psychosis
If we backtrack a few weeks, I can actually explain my psychosis.
As of May 1st, my job position at work is changing completely. Our office has been preparing since the end of March for the change.
I’ll go from being an assistant to directing all the communications. This is a very exciting and great thing, BUT the transition is a little scary and some people are not really for it or supportive.
A few weeks ago I changed the time I take my birth control from night to morning. I also missed a couple pills and had to double up. I’ve definitely seen a change as my body is adjusting. Mostly I’m just more tired, I get headaches that will NOT go away, and I’m more weepy. Pleasant. I know.
BUT, it just so happened that the ass coworker at work situation coincided with my actual period. So my reaction was just super out of control.
Normal People Syndrome
So why do you care?
Well, sometimes you feel strong emotions and you want to ruin everyone and everything. Sometimes things line up just right to make you nuts. And sometimes, no matter how self-aware you are, you can’t stop your reactions from boiling over and burning everything inside of 3 miles.
Or that’s how it is for me, at least. And I’d like the think that the normal person feels the same.
Normal Woman Syndrome
And I’d like to address birth control for a moment too. If you’re a woman who is on or has been on birth control, I feel you. I get it. It’s the freaking worst for a while. It took me an entire 12 months to stop being a wide-eyed, short-tempered, psychopath.
Seriously, I would furiously scribble in my journal all sorts of lovely things I won’t mention here. And when I looked back on the entries, it looked like a chicken in a madhouse had been hacking at the pages. It was a whirlwind of unhindered emotion and there was literally nothing I could do about it.
And like I talk about here and here, I’m not a feminist, but I will concede. It is hard to be a woman. It’s hard to be faced with these emotions that people mock you for. It’s hard to not be able to control your irrationalities.
My mom says after menopause, she feels like a totally different person. The things that upset her don’t even phase here now. And I can’t say I’m looking forward to menopause at 25 years old. But really, it would be nice to function as a rational human being all four weeks out of each month.
If you feel me on any of this here are two quick things to remember when you feel crazy.
Two Ways to Calm the Crazy
Cry the Crazy Out
I have a friend from middle school who says to ‘cry the crazy out.’ She’s just a normal human being, but she feels crazy sometimes too. And that’s ok. Sometimes we just have to lean into the crazy, acknowledge its presence and breathe it out.
My yoga instructor is constantly telling us to lean into the discomfort and let the fire come. She says from the fire we find our flow. I’ve yet to feel anything other than shaky, screaming legs, but I believe her. I believe one day I will push into that discomfort and the fire will fuel my yoga practice and reveal new spaces inside myself.
Maybe our crazy is something like that. Lean into it, cry it out if necessary, and let the fire inside burn up all the unwanted.
This Too Shall Pass
Even though I felt like I would never get over the injustices of my work, when I went in the next day, I looked my ass coworker in the face and smiled. I felt normal. Not crazy.
Thankfully, for the majority of life, crazy is rarely constant. And if I can be simultaneously negative and positive at the same time for a second… the great times aren’t constant either. Most of the time we live in the balance of good and bad. So, let’s not simply ride out the normal and the mundane, waiting for the next peak or valley. Let’s embrace this Wholly Unimpressive life and learn to love the ordinary.
When is a time you’ve felt crazy? Did you know you were being ridiculous? How did you handle it? What were the circumstances around the crazy?